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Well I'm Not Paralyzed

But I Seem To Be Struck By You

11/18/08 01:04 pm - Dippity Doo Dah

Dippity Day.

I'm gonna go see the apartment today and check out the landscape, make sure it's a good choice for me and Pan before we actually apply for it. I'm thinking we'll move in around March or April, I should have a job that'll pay enough, and he should be ready by then.

Excitement.

5/6/08 09:38 am - G'lord.

Despite all the tragedy of the last few days, there is one bright blinding spot (Besides the genet we're getting.)

I have a crush.

A big one.

On a very sweet girl.

Oddly, even though I know we'll NEVER date or any such thing, it still feels good. To have this crush.

4/10/08 08:40 am - Posted here and on FA..

So.. We're painting and renovating the garage, as I've mentioned. We house the reptiles in the garage, so we moved them in the house so that the paint fumes wouldn't kill them. ... We moved them in there last night.. and NG came to check on them tonight. I was in the garage, vacuuming and prepping to do primer when she came busting in. She wasn't supposed to be in there while I was vacuuming because of the dust, so I knew something was up, and the look on her face was wild panic. She was saying something over and over again but I couldn't hear her, so I turned off the shopvac so I could hear her.

And I wish to god I'd never heard those words.

"Copper's dead."

Copper is a platinum female, only a few months old, that we'd bought for a future breeding project. Huge money spent on her, and lots of emotional value. I hugged her and tried to console her, because Copper was her snake, and then it occurred to us both... the other snakes. We tore into the house as fast as possible and began moving the snakes to the bathroom to see the damage. I wasn't crying at this point, I was just panicked.

I was screaming, though, and so was NG. "The snakes, the snakes! Oh god, the snakes!" Mom woke up and came to check as we're pulling out snake bags and my heart stopped when NG went "Oh god, no, god please no." I looked in the bathroom to see the snake bag she had just dumped out, and promptly began sobbing and screaming.

My beautiful Pythia, my first snake, the one NG had given to me for Christmas last year (December 29th to be precise), the snake who was my only real reptile pet and my favorite pet period.. Was lying there dead. I couldn't take it. I just about had a nervous break down. We've spent months nursing her back to health, because we bought her from a petstore and she probably came from a pet mill, so she had all these diseases and health concerns. I spent hours crying over her and hundreds trying to save her each time she had an episode, and NG and everyone helped out so much, and after all that, with one careless mistake, we had killed my baby girl.

As much as I hurt, I knew we had to check the other snakes. We had eleven ball pythons and a blue tongue skink to check, including the two we'd already counted dead. My heart stopped every time we grabbed a bag and checked for them. At the end, we'd counted the three baby snakes dead; Pythia, Copper and NG's albino Happy.

We were both sobbing hysterically, sitting there in the mess of these snakes. Mom and gramma were hugging us and trying to calm us down, and NG insisted on checking all the baby's bodies, to try and figure out exactly what happened. We ruled on it being overheating (I am horrified to think of what they went through because I was a fucking retard) and as we were checking Happy's body, he began to move. He was alive, but just barely. We tearfully called our reptile vet's emergency line and talked to the on call doctor, who told us what to do and said that Happy had a good chance of making it, we'd gotten to him in time.

And we'd failed to get to the other two in time. I failed my baby girl. I failed Pythia.

I'm still on the edge of tears and this was four hours ago. I threw myself into finishing up the vacuuming and the priming of the garage, so we can paint the damn thing tonight and get the reptiles back in the regular enclosures as fast as fucking possible. I can barely sit straight, I feel terribly dizzy, my throat and my eyes burn and my muscles all ache from the nonstop priming of the walls and the ceiling, but it doesn't even begin to compare to the utter worthlessness I feel and the ripping void inside of me at the moment.

I know some people may count an animal, especially a snake, out as just a creature and nothing to get emotional over, especially one who had health issues to begin with, but shut the fuck up. Pythia was damn near my everything. She was my first snake. I remember picking her out of the others because they balled up and she curled around my wrist. I remember carrying her around for the first twenty four hours in my sleeve through all the stores on Broadway and listening to the crazy psychic lady tell me what she was thinking. I remember naming her and swearing she was a girl, then taking her to the vet and confirming she was a girl. I remember all the visits to the vet with tears pouring down my cheeks and my heart breaking as she nearly died in my hands because of defects beyond anyone's control. To someone, she was probably just a pet, but to me, god. To me, she was my dear sweet Pythia. Most beautiful snake I'll ever see and the most tragically wonderful pet I'll ever have. I won't get another ball python pet for a while, breeders are one thing.. but no pet snake will ever be as close or as dear to me as her. She had personality, she had spunk, she had so many things and I fucking killed her.

I won't be online or around at all for several days, and art may not happen for a month at the minimum. I'm going to be busting my ass off in that garage, and busying myself at work and at home. I want to be so busy I can't even think about the terrible crime I've committed and the wonderful memories I've just killed with a bout of thoughtlessness. And worse.. It hurts even more to think we had just conquered most of her sicknesses, that she was getting big and healthy and living right. And I just killed her.

1/19/08 08:44 pm - Happy New Year

Or first year, that never happened.

It's January 19th.

I officially blacklist today. I hate it. It's been nothing but shit and slight depression.

I'm going to go back to painting my masquerade mask soon, because I get so caught up in the perfection that I forget. I forget it all and just.. lose myself to the paint and the brush and the color lines as they swirl together.

I hate today.

12/24/07 01:39 pm - Combat card!

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Combat cards are fun.

Oscar died.

Life is the suck.

But Jay's cool and Peter wants me to visit. Might. I donno. I need more time. It's been just over two months, but it feels like forever. Hah. No. I don't need to think about it. I'm not ready. I don't think I will be for a long time.

12/11/07 08:32 am - Wow

The weekend was SUCK. Uma loves the Pom we gave her for Christmas (His name is Kohle!) and it was great to see her again! But the weekend was too long and we shouldn't have let Robin come with, damn it. Robin spoiled our little vacation by being a bitch and setting Kacie off. We were all cool with Mom, I thought, and then I said something and got snapped at. Apparently she's not cool with us!

Oh well. Sarah's birthday was yesterday and we're celebrating it today, I don't know how. I'm never in on this crap. Oh well. It was good to see her yesterday, she's got a nice new boyfriend. Ken, I think his name was. He was pretty quiet, I think we made him nervous.

I'm getting a little pissed off. I don't really want to start dating again come January, and a certain someone acts like that's a huge crime. C'mon. I just don't want to date. I go through periods of feeling alone, e veryone does. "I wouldn't live without affection if I didn't have to." Well, I have affection. I have friends and family who love me. I've GOT affection. "It's not the same thing." Okay, well, Peter loves me. If I want that sort of affection, I can cuddle into him for a bit. "Not the same." WELL GET OVER IT. Stop trying to guilt me into dating people.

Speaking of dating! I don't want to ask someone out again. I'm tired of that. I was serious when I told people when and IF I start dating again, I want to be the one getting chased, not the aggressor. Which means I want people to instigate and I want people to be the ones putting the moves out. Is that really so hard to understand? YARGH.

Oh, oh. I've been chatting with a nice girl. ;D We roleplay together. Making lots of new friends. Jay, Sev, and C.S. are a few. I should start drawing and uploading again...

11/16/07 10:10 am - Things are looking up

Uma's coming up for Thanksgiving, so I don't have to go to her, and I've got medical insurance now. There's an expo this weekend we may go to. I'm unbelievably excited about life again. Things have been rough, but so what? Roxie is really smart, that's my puppy. :D I love her so. It's November, and I'm feeling great.

11/12/07 02:49 pm - Oh The Memories

First, I find an anniversary announcement in my phone. I was supposed to start looking for a gift now.. so it'd be a nice one, for January.. And then, a picture in my phone. I thought I went through all my stuff and got rid of this crap.

Man. I feel a little weird inside.

Maybe it's the rain...

10/24/07 12:20 pm - Sooo..

 Things are.. starting... to look up.. Just a little..

There's this guy I met and he's nice, he's trying to cheer me up. He bought me a puppy. What says "cheer up" better than a puppy? She's Axle's littermate, and they're identical, and her name is Roxie. He's a good guy, really adorable and handsome. Intelligent. He makes me smile, lately.

I  finally got my jawbrace, yay!, so I don't hurt constantly now.. 'cept my eyes are still straining. I picked up a pair of reading glasses from Albertsons, and they work a little. The prescription's wrong, tho, so I've still got headaches. I figure if I can get into the Eyecare Club from www.twopair.com, I'll be alright. I may get a pair of new glasses and some contacts for a change, since glasses really do get in the way at times.

Time moves funny in this house. It's been just a little over (under?) a month since I've been single, and it feels like it's been years. I've slowly distanced myself from the feelings that kept me ready to cry. Now I'm just.. bored and lonely. I'm not the type of person who does well single. I do try. I just ..need to be needed, need to love.. romantically.

Oi. Christmas is coming.

I've got to figure out how to do Christmas and Thanksgiving for my Uma.

Oh. I lost my phone. :/ Nobody can get a hold of me, because I can't FIND it. I think it's at Red Robin.

10/13/07 01:25 am - Pythia

I was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong..

I hate.. hate.. being wrong..  especially now Back to daily injections, back to oral medication.. back to it all. She  had diarrhea again, a snake shouldn't just have diarrhea. Once is excusable. Twice.. in a week, less than week? It's a health flag.  I think I may cry. Pythia will never reach her full length.. and she may live only a few more months.. I..  I'm so fucking depressed right now. My poor poor baby..  
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